We’re fully back into the ‘back to school, back to reality’ mode after our December holiday, and I must say, I love it! I thrive on routine and structure and I’m generally a better human when I have these things in place. But it’s not only these routines and structures that help me to show up as a better wife, mom, business woman and friend, it’s actually a significant mindset shift that happened for me over the past year or so.
For as long as I can remember, I struggled with the internal tension of the questions that often pull at us as moms:
Am I doing enough for my kids?
Am I spending enough time with them?
Why do I have to say yes to this meeting, when I could be at the tennis match?
Am I present enough when I’m with them?
Am I checking on all the tech stuff properly, am I feeding them the most healthy food 24/7, etc, etc, etc?
These questions often caused so much internal friction for me that they ended up influencing my emotions and outward behaviours too. I felt conflicted, torn, less than perfect in all roles and guilty for it all – guilty for choosing work, guilty for choosing the tennis match and guilty for feeling guilty! These emotions overflowed to sharp words coming out of my mouth (to myself and others), overcommitment on all fronts and rushing things that were actually really important to take slowly. I just wasn’t winning.
And then one day, this question popped into my heart – Donna, are you doing this for them or with them?
Are you doing it for them or with them?
Here’s What This Means for Me
For them includes things that make me a better version of myself when I am with them. These include:
– My work: My work meaningful and purposeful for me. It gives me satisfaction to add value in the places and conversations I spend time in. My work also allows me to contribute to our family’s finances. Learning and growing are part of my core values, so when I lean into that in my workplace, I feel content and aligned to what matters to me.
– My wellbeing: Exercise, movement, mindfulness, quiet times – they are all part of helping me be well – physically, mentally and emotionally. And when I am well, I show up as a better wife, mom, coach and friend. So that walk I take in the evening that takes me out of the house when they are all there waiting for dinner – that helps me to shift gears so I’m more present when doing homework, sitting at the dining room table and for bedtime stories and prayers.
– My social time: Date nights, girls dinners, weekend breakfasts – these are generally not with them, but they fill my cup and this helps me be a better version of myself.
And then, when I’m with them, I am aligned, filled, more steady, happier and more present. Then, I can engage fully, listen to actually hear, communicate to teach, encourage and challenge, create security rather than uncertainty. And for me, that’s the wife and mom I want to be.
It’s About Creating the Harmony
The adjustments that needed to happen when I started leaning into this mindset shift took a while to settle. I often still feel the pull to give in to the “do it all” culture which I lived in for too long. I often still look at our calendars and think “this is too much”. I often still lose my temper in frustration with the noise of our busy lives. But, it’s about creating the harmony rather than the balance.
Creating harmony in our lives starts with identifying clearly what is most important to us. To us, as individuals and for our families. Only then can we start applying the “with them or for them” mindset in a helpful way. If we aren’t clear about what’s important to us, someone else will decide for us and that never ends well.
The other thing about harmony is that it flows in cycles, like a chorus or a melody. It is not boxy and it is not rigid. This flow is critical as it supports the “with them or for them” mindset in that it allows us the freedom to lean into areas of our lives that require more of us in different times or seasons. That big work proposal, the three day offsite event, the extra training hours for the race you’ve entered. Those things require effort and attention. So lean in. Choose. And then, when that offsite is done, when you’ve conquered the race, lean into the other areas that are important and got less of you for a while – watch the swimming lesson, cook the cupcakes, read an extra book together, do the date night.
This is harmony. And harmony cultivates consistency in alignment. Our reality, over time, becomes aligned to the picture we have in our minds of how we’d like our lives to be.
So you see, it’s not all or nothing. It’s not either, or. It’s both, and. And in the both, and, we become full, whole, well. I don’t know about you, but that’s the wife and mom I’m wanting to be. For them and with them. Who’s with me?